


Stars

by yourdilemma



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dark, Death, M/M, Oneshot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 11:57:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9122482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourdilemma/pseuds/yourdilemma
Summary: He lost another friend. His best friend in the whole world. His love. His light. How will he go on?





	

"Hey...Phil?"

"Yeah, Dan?"

"What do you think happens to people after they die?"

"That's a good question. Umm...I don't know. Mum always told me they go to heaven."

"Yeah, mine too. But I don't really believe in that."

"You don't? Why not?"

"What would you do in heaven? I mean, it always seems like it's all about eternal partying and shit. What about us antisocial people? Eternal parties sounds kind of...exhausting."

I cracked a smile. Dan always thought so deeply about this. "It does. So what do you believe happens after you die?"

"Purgatory," he said with a completely straight face. After a moment, we both burst out laughing. "How about you, Phil?"

I gazed up at the dark, cloudy London sky. "I believe people turn into stars."

"..." I turned to see Dan staring at me. His lips curled into a smile. A beautiful smile. "Yeah. You know what? I'll believe that, too."

I scooted over to him and placed my head on his shoulder. "Guess that means we can't see our flat when we're up there, huh?"

Dan threw his head back and laughed, laughed. A beautiful laugh.

* * *

 

**1 year later**

I stand on the roof of the apartment, where we had sat exactly one year ago, laughing and talking about stars. My tie billows in the wind as I clutch a bouquet of black roses. _Dan would've appreciated how much black I was wearing_ , I think wryly. 

Tears leak out of my eyes and plop onto the ground. Dammit, Dan... My hair ripples as I glare up at the sky. "Damn you, selfish bastard!" I scream at the clouds. I can't see the stars...London is too bright, too cloudy, too loud. The sound of traffic surrounds me and I cover my ears, not wanting to hear such noise. 

I feel a hand touch my shoulder and turn to see my brother. His face is somber and he looks 10 years older. 'C'mon, Phil," he says quietly, leading me back inside. Tears blind me and I almost trip on the last step.

"You clumsy idiot," I can almost hear Dan say teasingly. _No...don't think about him. It hurts too much..._

Martyn opens the door to my apartment. His face is worried. _Why? I'm not going to do what Dan did..._ I nearly choke as that thought enters my head. "Let's get you into bed." He helps me take my suit off and get into my pajamas. "I'll be right out in the lounge," I hear him say before the door closes. My hearing makes everything sound like I'm underwater. "Help..." I whisper. "Dan..."

I spot a sharpie on my bedside drawer and feel my heart being stabbed. All of the Phil is Not on Fires fly through my head. After our last one, Dan kissed me on the nose.

_"You look so cute like that," Dan said with a laugh, kissing my nose. His face scrunched up. "The sharpie whiskers are questionable, though."_

_I laughed and kissed him back, this time on the lips. Dan...My Dan._

I stared at myself in the mirror. I had drawn the whiskers on myself this time. They don't look as good as the ones Dan drew on me. 

Out of the corner of my eye sits...Lion. Lion has been with me through everything...

_"Lion hasn't been in your videos as much recently," Dan remarked, picking up the stuffed animal._

_"Huh. I guess he hasn't." I watch Dan inspect the toy. "I guess you kind of took his place."_

_He dropped Lion in mock horror. "No! I could never replace the majestic Lion! I must remove myself at once!" He ran out of the room, shouting, "I am not worthy! I am not worthy!"_

_I burst into a fit of giggles, but managed to stand and run after him. I caught and tackled him in his room, pushing him down onto his bed. We were both laughing hysterically._

_"No one could replace you either," I responded softly. His warm brown eyes met my bright blue ones and our lips touched, gentle as butterflies._

I'm lying on the floor, caked in sweat and breathing heavily from the memory. God, Dan...

"I know why you left..." I say softly to no one. "I just wish you hadn't."

I sigh and cover my eyes with my hands, unable to stop myself from reliving what happened just a few days ago.

_"I'm a disappointment to my family, to everyone I know and love!" Dan breathed. He was having a panic attack in the 'existential crisis hallway'. He buried his face in his hands._

_I grabbed his hands. "You are not, Daniel James Howell. Look how far you've come. We've got the radio show, the shop, the book, the tour...everyone is so proud of everything you've accomplished!"_

_"Everyone thinks we're just doing these things for the money!" he cried out. "Our old fans are gone and they say we've changed for the worse. They ask, 'what's happening with Dan? He used to be so involved with his fans and YouTube channel and now he rarely uploads. And the book and tour are just for the cash. Look at how expensive everything is! Why can't we have the old Dan back?'" Tears streamed down his face and his voice broke._

_I clutched his hands tightly. "Dan...you are so, so involved. TATINOF was to involve our fans even more. And yes, while you do upload rarely, your content is amazing. You take such a long time to upload because you want nothing but the best for your viewers. What's waiting a month to such great content? Your fans still love you. Hell, **I** love you, Dan. I love you to death. People change and some can't deal with that. I love the old you, the new you, the future you...I love all of you unconditionally."_

_He was still crying, but his sobs subsided and his face was calmer. "I-I love you unconditionally too, Phil. I'll always love you."_

_I pulled him into a tight hug. "Never forget that, Dan." I felt his grip get tighter._

_"Phil...you're so remarkably strong. You're so much stronger than I am."_

_'Dan-" I began, but he got up and walked out the door. I stared at the door in shock and by the time I came to my senses, he'd already hailed a cab and was gone._

_Two days later, I was called by the police, telling me they had found his body under a bridge. His neck was broken along with other bones. They had identified him and called me first, as I was the first number on his speed dial list._

_I dropped the phone, ran out, and saw Dan's lifeless body. I ran my fingers through my hair, finding it hard to breathe._

_"Dan...Dan, Dan, Dan...no!" Tears were running down my face as I kissed his corpse. "Dammit!" I was pulled away by police officers and a woman officer pulled me into an embrace._

_"Shh...it's all right, mi querido. He's gone."_

_I pulled the velvet box out of my pocket. "I was going to give this to him when the time was right..." Tears kept leaking out of my eyes. "What did I do wrong...?"_

_"Pobrecito..."_

_I yanked myself out of the kind woman's grasp and ran. I ran blindly, not knowing where I was going. My feet somehow took me back to the apartment. I didn't want to go back inside...full of Dan's things, Dan's smell, Dan's...Dan's everything._

_I pulled out my phone and typed in the only other number besides Dan's that I knew by heart._

_"Philip?"_

_"Mum...can I come home?"_

When I reopen my eyes, I am back on the roof. 

"You wanted to be with the stars," I whisper. "Didn't you?"

None but the wind answer.

"There's only one problem with that." I step up to the edge of the roof. "You tried to do it during the day."

With a small smile on my face, I step off the rim and let gravity take over. My arms spread wide, letting the black roses I was carrying fly free. I look at the sky and just before I hit the ground, I see the night alight with stars.

Stars...stars...so many twinkling stars.

Beautiful...just like him.

Just like...

_Dan._

* * *

_**Hey, Phil.** _

_**Did you miss me?** _

 


End file.
